“I Was So Excited” – A Personal, Raw, & Emotional Calendar of our Miscarriage

On May 18th I walked into CVS to buy 4 pregnancy tests after my sister-in-law, who knew my husband and I were trying to get pregnant this month, encouraged me to buy the tests. The first test I received an error message because I was so excited to find out the news I ended up peeing on the stick for longer than 3 seconds just to make sure I did enough. I grabbed another test and barely being able to pee I took a second test. To my surprise and excitement, I looked at the faintest line, indicating I was pregnant. I texted my sister-in-law and two dear friends a picture and they rejoiced with me and confirmed that they also saw the line. That evening with my husband downstairs making dinner, I quickly took another test and saw a very dark line. I later planned ways to tell my husband the exciting news that after only one month of trying to get pregnant, we had another one on the way. I was so excited.

On May 19th I took a third positive pregnancy test early in the morning before my 5:30am Pure Barre class and saw the word “pregnant”. On my drive home from class I stopped at Kroger and bought myself flowers and a huge balloon with the word “Celebrate” that I hid in my car until my husband left for work that morning. Later that morning my sweet mother-in-law came over and I wrapped up one of the positive tests, put it in a gift bag, and told her I had something for her. I recorded her excited reaction and hugged her tight. Then I went and purchased a ”Big Sister” shirt for our 18 month old daughter, a nice bottle of scotch for my husband, and some of his favorite cigars to prepare his reveal. I tracked his location as he left work. I set up my phone and recorded his sweet reaction to seeing a positive pregnancy test inside a bag of his favorite cigars. We were so excited.

On May 22nd we met my dad and step-mom who were in town at our church. We worshipped with them and heard a great message. During the entire service our daughter was in the nursery wearing her new “Big Sister” shirt and I kept getting distracted thinking about the exciting news we were about to share. My husband picked up our daughter from the nursery and we told my parents we wanted to see our daughter’s reaction when she saw them down the hall. I recorded my parents’ surprised and excited reactions. They hugged our daughter and said how she was going to be the best big sister. We all hugged and we were all so excited.

On May 26th we celebrated my sister-in-law’s last Pure Barre class before she would be induced the following week for the birth of her first child, a sweet baby girl. We took class next to each other, one at the beginning of a second pregnancy and the other at the end of her first. I imagined walking through these stages together. I was so excited.

On May 29th I told my older brother at a family gathering about us being pregnant. We told him not to tell our mom and step-dad because we were going to surprise them in a couple of weeks once they returned from a trip to Italy. My brother was so excited.

On May 30th we had a Memorial Day cookout at my husband’s oldest brother and his wife’s house. We planned on telling my husband’s other older brother and his wife the news that we were pregnant. After eating delicious food and swimming in their pool, I started a focused conversation asking everyone to go around and share what they were thankful for and looking forward to. People shared their responses and I anticipated sharing ours. Once it was our turn we shared at the end, “And we’re excited that we’re pregnant with baby #2”. Everyone was so excited.

On June 11th I worked our second wedding for the month and told the bride and groom I was pregnant. They hugged me and said how excited they were.

On June 13th I was driving in the car with my other sister-in-law who was in town. We were talking about babies and how you never know how long it will take someone to get pregnant. I talked about our dear friends who were surprised by their first baby but then tried for one month for their second. I looked at my sister-in-law as we were driving and said, “And the same thing happened to us.” She was confused and then it hit her. She realized we were pregnant and with tears filling her eyes she said how happy she was. She was so excited.

On June 16th my husband and I went in for our 8-week ultrasound. It was such a nostalgic feeling being back in the same doctor’s office where I went for all of my visits while pregnant with our daughter. That was during COVID and my husband couldn’t come to any of my appointments. But this time he was with me and I was so thankful. We went in for the ultrasound and we saw our baby together. We saw the heartbeat wiggling on the screen. We were so excited.

The nurse said the heartbeat was slow. She said the baby was measuring at 6 weeks 2 days. She said that could be the case. She said we could also lose the baby if I’m 8 weeks pregnant. We were shocked. We were surprised. We were scared. We were emotional.

She said this pregnancy could be just fine. She said this pregnancy could be a “failed pregnancy”. I told my husband anything with the word “failed” in it sounded negative. I didn’t like it. The nurse talked to us about what my body could do if we ended up losing the baby. She said you might start bleeding pretty heavy like you did after giving birth or your body might not respond at all and think you’re still pregnant. The nurse left the room and I cried. My husband prayed. They moved us into an available room to talk with the nurse practitioner. She shared the same news with us and said she would like us to come back in one week. Either the heart beat would be stronger or we would know that we either did or would end up losing the baby. The rest of the day went by slowly and didn’t feel like the news we received really registered. I called family and friends to update them. I cried several times. Yet, I was so hopeful.

On June 17th we visited my mom and step-dad in Cincinnati to tell them the news. We said we wanted to take a picture of them holding our daughter since we didn’t have a recent picture. They didn’t think anything of it, agreed, and walked on the back deck. My husband held up my phone, started recording, and said, “Say cheese…. Everybody say ‘Chloe’s pregnant’”. We filmed their surprised reactions. My step-dad had tears in his eyes and my mom screamed with excitement. We celebrated with them. We told them the news we received at the ultrasound the day prior and told them the two possible outcomes. We told them we’re praying and trusting the Lord. They were not comforted by the news, but they were hopeful. They were so excited.

The days leading up to our second ultrasound went by quickly and by the grace of God. I experienced a peace that surpassed all understanding and I know that was the Lord protecting my heart and preparing us for the appointment.

On June 23rd we drove to the hospital. We had worship music playing and we were praying. I felt like I was going into a spiritual battle but felt ready. I knew so many of our friends and family were praying for us and that was so comforting. My husband prayed in the car, we were still, then we walked hand-in-hand together into the doctor’s office. We went into the ultrasound room. I got undressed. We prayed. We were nervous.

The nurse came in the room. She began the ultrasound. A few moments later she said words I will never forget: “I don’t see a heartbeat. I’m sorry.” I closed my eyes and wept. I was crushed. I was heartbroken. I was confused. She had to continue the ultrasound by taking pictures of my ovaries and different things. Through tears I looked over at my husband and couldn’t continue. I closed my eyes again and wept. I heard the nurse ask if I wanted to look one more time at the baby. I shook my head no. I couldn’t. We were so devastated.

Yesterday morning, June 27th I went in for a D&C procedure. They did one final ultrasound to make sure there was no heartbeat and while they did that I prayed for some miracle that our baby’s heartbeat would be there. There was no heartbeat. There is no longer life inside of me. They put me under anesthesia. They took my baby, who didn’t have a heartbeat, out of my body. I woke up with an empty womb and a crushed heart reminded that I will never hold my baby on this Earth. I will cling to the truth that the Lord had to hold our baby before we could. We will never be the same, but we will honor our baby, we will tell our daughter and future babies about their sibling in Heaven, and we will look forward to the day where we will meet our child. We will be so excited.

The shirt our sweet daughter, Genesis, wore to announce she was a big sister. We look forward to the day she will wear this again.
  1. Allison Howell says:

    Thank you for having the strength to share your story. I’m weeping with you, and here to offer any support you may need in this unfathomable time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.